You’re Doing Your New Years Resolutions Wrong

And what you can do to make them successful.

Welcome!

Photo by Tim Mossholder

Only 7% of New Year’s resolutions last a year or more. If everyone was doing them correctly then the success rate would be much higher. You can improve your chances of success with a little bit of knowledge on how your brain works.

"The new year stands before us, like a chapter in a book, waiting to be written. We can help write that story by setting goals."

~ Melody Beattie ~

Patterns

The world is incomprehensibly complex. To manage that, our brain subconsciously follows preset patterns. These patterns are like well-worn paths. They require little energy to follow and choosing to diverge from those paths requires decision making and overcoming obstacles. Most resolutions seek to either break one pattern and/or create a new one. Ironically, while the brain resists taking new paths, choosing to do so (in a healthy manner) strengthens the brain and brings positive psychological benefits.

You may have heard of the phenomena what fires together, wires together. This refers to the way neurons in your brain create stronger, more efficient, and more familiar pathways the more you think about or do something. We’ve all experienced this when we practice a skill. For example, the more you practice shooting a basketball, the easier it becomes to score. The brain also creates connections between our feelings and specific situations, people, or places. For example, the smell of lemon Pledge might transport you back to your Grandmas house if her zealous use of the cleaner created a neural pathway or strong association in your mind between her and Pledge. Likewise, we repeat maladaptive patterns (of thinking and behaving) because these pathways are the strongest.

Willpower is bullshit

Ok, maybe not total bullshit, but the concept of building up willpower in order to start is BS. Action precedes willpower, not the other way around. To move forward we start with a small action which introduces momentum to making a bigger action.

Motivation is often the result of action, not the cause of it. Getting started, even in very small ways, is a form of active inspiration that naturally produces momentum.

I like to refer to this effect as the Physics of Productivity because this is basically Newton’s First Law applied to habit formation: Objects in motion tend to stay in motion. Once a task has begun, it is easier to continue moving it forward.

If your goal is to run a 5k, start with the habit of putting on your walking shoes every morning and opening the front door. From there you might choose to walk to the end of the block, or not. Just start the habit of putting on your shoes. Once that pattern is set, it becomes easy to extend it. That looks like willpower to others, but it’s the small action at the start that’s the key to success.

Going too big

When you choose to do a resolution only once a year the temptation is to make your goal a big one. As goals get bigger their achievement becomes more complex, more demanding, and with more ‘friction’ points to trip you up. Set a realistically achievable goal for your first step with the plan to add a new or extending goal after you’re solidly and comfortably on your new path.

Strike for vagueness

Make your goal specific. A resolution of “eat healthier” is far too vague. Instead set a measurable goal such as “eat protein with every meal”, “eat 35 grams of fiber a day”, or to “not eat starches”. These small rules are easier to follow and consistently following a rule creates a pattern you’re more likely to stick to.

Keep it real

There is only so much change that one can reasonably handle at one time. Too many resolutions spread your attention thin; creating a pile of ‘frictions’ to overcome and dissipating your energy. Just as resolutions can be too big, they can be too numerous. Start with one goal and move on to the next only after the first one is solid and stable.

Driving your motivation

Are you doing this for yourself or because of someone else? External motivation, such as that coming from anger over a comment or a desire to prove someone wrong, is a very powerful initiator of action. While external motivation can get you started, internal motivation is far more powerful at keeping you on your path. Once you’re started working toward your goal/resolution find reasons that are important to you and focus on those as motivation.

Photo by Javier Allegue Barros

Don’t go it alone

Include others who are on the same path. It can be a friend with the same goal, an online community, or even a tracking app. Studies show that if you are sharing your experience with others on a similar journey then your odds of success are higher. If you can’t find a person or community on the same path then confide your progress with a friend or use an app that tracks your progress. More on accountability here.

Accept your new identity

If your goal is fitness related, then do not identify as someone who is unfit… identify as someone who works out. If you take up a new sport you’re not a “couch potato”, but an athlete. (Not all athletes are professional.) If you were someone who loves pizza, now identify as a person who “eats healthy”. Our brains lead us down the path of what we label ourselves. Embrace your new identity and your new path becomes easier.

Photo by Alexander Milo

It’s the journey, not the destination

While you might have your eye on reaching the summit. You’re far more likely to succeed if you find the reward in the daily effort, instead of only recognizing the reward of the finish line. If you’re climbing a mountain, soak in the beauty of the views and enjoy the wonder of the ever changing landscape. This applies to any goal.

Identify the friction points and address them

You increase your chance of success if you identify the little (and sometimes not so little) irritations of a new pattern and address them before starting. If your goal is to workout three times a week then your friction points could include when you workout, what you workout in, where to workout, and what to do. Pick one friction point and address it. Buy your workout shoes, then buy a pair leggings/shorts/sweatpants. When that’s done buy a workout shirt. From there you can get a gym bag, water ball, etc.

If you knock off one friction point and desire to immediately knock off another then do it. Choosing just one point to tackle helps you get started; it’s up to you when you finish and restart later. Warning: Avoid making a long list of “to do’s” as it creates anxiety and anxiety kills momentum. Keep it simple.

“The most powerful relationship you will ever have is the relationship with yourself. Be kind to yourself.”

~ Steve Maraboli ~

Watch your mouth!

We would never let someone talk about a friend the way our inner dialog talks about ourselves. (No, you’re not the only one who does that!) Nobody is as good at killing our dreams as ourselves. You are not as bad as you imagine yourself to be and the people you know are not doing as well as you think. Say positive things to yourself (don’t lie) and give yourself credit for your small accomplishments.

Your mindset plays a huge part in whether you succeed and your mindset is determined by why what you tell yourself. Work on this daily. If you’ve never kept a gratitude journal, they can be enormously helpful when making changes in your life.

Ruminate for good, not for evil

For example, when you are on a diet it’s typical to spend an inordinate amount of mental energy on what food you’re missing, on how hungry you are, or counting minutes to the next meal. This kills diets (and other goals). When you catch yourself focusing on the downsides of a path change, switch to positive thoughts about the path you’ve taken. It takes practice, but it’s a powerful tool for long term success.

"If you're going to learn and grow, you have to be willing to take chances and make mistakes."

~ John Mackey ~

Embrace failure

We are programmed to avoid failure. For our ancestors, failure could mean death. In modern society, we avoid the stigma of failure and it prevents us from progressing. Starting a new relationship, starting a new career, starting a new hobby requires that you risk failure.

With each failure comes experience and with experience comes success. Avoiding failure also means avoiding success. Fail, and you’ll be better for it.

Make up mini games/challenges

Gamify. Create mini milestones or challenges to break up the drudgery of your goal and generate a little excitement in the process. What you choose depends on the goal and what motivates you. It can be as little as focusing on reaching a marker on a trail during a walk or filling a jar with marbles after each success.

One trick that adds excitement is to give yourself a reward for completing a reoccurring task, but you only get randomly rewarded 1/3rd of the time. Put three pieces of paper in a mug with one marked ‘reward’ or roll a six sided die and give yourself the reward if you roll a 5 or 6. This works because the chance of success ties the motivation chemical, dopamine, to your actions and your hedonic system will want to do it again to gain the win.

A template for changing your habits

The best template I’ve encountered was created by James Clear in his book “Atomic Habits”. If you haven’t read it, get it. If you don’t like reading then get the audiobook and listen to it on your drive. Here is a ‘cheat sheet’ for his book (which repeats some of the points from above)…

The four steps to creating a new habit:

1. Cue — Make the habit obvious. If your goal is to walk every day then put your shoes by the door. If your goal is to read more books then put your book by your chair. We need something to trigger the idea of doing the new habit.

2. Craving — Make the habit appealing. James Clear offers these methods to induce craving for a habit: Pair an action you want to do with an action you need to do; join a culture (a club or group) where your desired behavior is normal; create a ritual where you do something you enjoy before you do something you “have to do”.

3. Response — Make it easy. Reduce the steps needed between you and your good habits. Prepare your environment to make your new habit easier. Optimize the small choices that have a big impact. Make your desired habit small enough that it can be done within two minutes (like putting your running shoes on). And, automate your habits by using your technology to set reminders and mini-goals.

4. Satisfying — Give yourself a reward for successfully completing a habit (there is some controversy in research over this). Recognize and reward for not doing a negative habit. Use a habit tracker to track each successful completion of a habit. Never miss a habit two times in a row. Life happens, sometimes a habit can’t be done. But don’t miss two times in a row as that greatly increases the chance of the habit not sticking.

The four steps to ending a bad habit (doing the inverse)

1. Reduce cues/exposure — Remove the bad cues from your environment.

2. Reframe — Highlight the benefits of not doing the bad habit.

3. Make it difficult — Put steps between you and acting on the bad behavior. (Such as removing snack food from the house or freezing your credit cards in ice.) Restrict your choices to ones that benefit you.

4. Make it unsatisfying — Get an accountability partner who will watch out for you slipping into your bad habits. Create a habit contract that induces consequences for returning to a bad habit.

"We spend January 1 walking through our lives, room by room, drawing up a list of work to be done, cracks to be patched. Maybe this year, to balance the list, we ought to walk through the rooms of our lives...not looking for flaws, but for potential."

Ellen Goodman

Helpful tips for common New Years Resolutions

These are a few broad pointers that may or may not useful for your specific goals.

Improving Fitness

Ignore the hot new trends in fitness. Instead look for activities you believe that you will enjoy doing. Outside of a few obsessive individuals, nobody sticks to an exercise or activity they don’t enjoy. Perhaps walking on a treadmill gives you a zen-like peace; for others dancing brings the same health benefits but with music, friendship building, and the enjoyment of gaining a new skill. Other fun activities that also improve fitness are hiking, swimming, cycling, rock climbing, yoga, kayaking, gardening, or paddle sports. Find fun things to do that are active. Pickleball can burn as many calories as using a rower.

Improving Finances

Pick a specific action that you can stick to. Put a few dollars into savings or an ETF as soon as you get your paycheck. Pay an extra $50 on a debt each month; when it’s paid off apply those payments to your next debt. Whatever actions you choose, be specific and stick to your plan.

Photo by Dan Meyers

Improving Mental Health

Identify what about your mental health is bothering you then seek professional support for resolving that issue. A qualified professional can greatly shorten the time it takes to get where you want to be. Be kind to yourself. Stop beating yourself up for not living up to your standard (which is likely unrealistic).

We are bad at giving ourselves advice. When stuck, ask yourself what you would tell a friend if they were in the same situation and follow that advice.

Losing Weight

This is a minefield subject where everyone seems to have a sacred, if not accurate, opinion on the matter.

Much of what we’ve been taught about dieting is wrong. Being overweight is not a moral failure; it’s a symptom of biological processes that are out of balance and not always well understood. See a doctor to rule out medical issues such as thyroid problem. Identify why you eat: hungry, not satiated, salving an emotion, time of day, triggers, cravings, compulsions, etcetera. Then develop an adjustment to your eating to address those reasons. If you have disordered eating then seek out a professional for help as many eating plans can worsen your ED symptoms.

In general, choose a diet because you believe it’s one you can stick to, not because it’s “super effective”. The diet that you can stick to is the best one and you may need to change it up over time. Avoid “domino foods” which just cause you to crave more of that food. Focus on foods that are ‘filling’ (satiating) and ‘stick in your stomach’ a bit longer. Avoid diets that are super restrictive in the beginning as they have a lower adherence rate. If you don’t have a binge eating disorder and don’t have an idea what diet to choose, check out the “slow carb” diet. It has minimum rules and sets up an eating pattern that can help you keep off the weight after ending the diet.

Weigh yourself regularly but not obsessively. Have an accountability partner. Track what you eat. One of the biggest mistakes is underestimating portion sizes; measure your food if you’re not losing.

Eating Better

Define what “eating better” means to you; be specific. Search out foods you enjoy that fit your vision of better eating. Don’t force yourself to eat foods you don’t like, that isn’t sustainable. If you don’t know which eating plan to choose, check out the Mediterranean Diet and see if it works for you.

Spending More Time With Loved Ones

Be specific. Decide what that time look like then set a predictable schedule such as weekly dinners at the table, a game night, a night out at a restaurant, etcetera.

Curbing Addictions

Photo by Kyle Cleveland

Our brains are evolved to keep us alive by creating drives that keep us fed and procreating. This process can harm us when resources are plentiful. These drives can push us to doom scroll on the internet, smoke that next cigarette, drink that next drink, do that next drug, play that next game, eat that next French fry, have that next meaningless sexual encounter, or just about anything that can tickle the hedonic system in our brain.

Seek out support groups for your specific addiction. If your life is becoming unmanageable seek out specialized help (feel free to message me if you need help finding it). Addiction is not a moral failing. It’s a biological process that isn’t functioning properly. It is a disease — a defect in an organ (brain) that has unwanted symptoms. You are not a bad person for having an addiction.

For a better understanding of this process check out the book Dopamine Nation by Dr. Anna Lembke.

Final Advice

For all this talk about New Year’s resolutions and setting goals, perhaps your best option is to do neither. Your chosen goal might not end up solving your problem. Focusing on your goal might blind you from other actions that will help you solve your problem. Solving a personal problem is more motivating than striving for an arbitrary goal. The “why’ of what we do helps us stay motivated.

Be better to yourself in the new year. Respect yourself and you’ll the gain respect of others.

Your friend,

DJ